Hot Chocolate: An Epic Tale

Shakespeare may have written some pretty famous tragedies, but they have nothing on this.

Hello, random internet strangers whose validation makes me feel slightly better about my meagre and meaningless life. How are we all today?

Today’s post, in case you missed the title, is about hot chocolate. More accurately, my struggles with hot chocolate; the adversity I have had to overcome with hot chocolate. You may think I’m talking about lactose intolerance or gluten (I literally have no idea what gluten is, but it seems to be everywhere, so I shall assume it is also in hot chocolate) . . . but I am no millenial snowflake. (Okay, yes, those are legitimate illnesses, but let me have this.)

No, screw your lactose-intolerance, this is a bigger problem. I’m talking . . . weird, bitter, disgusting posh people hot chocolate.

Let me take you back to the start; where it all began.

As weather started to harshen, and days began to darken, an old, familiar urge crept back upon me; the desire for a warm, frothy mug of pure, silken decadence. For the first time all yearΒ  . . . I wanted a hot chocolate.

Now, this was a mementous occasion. In the absence of winter, our household had shunned hot chocolate; filling our cupboards instead with green teas and infused waters. The first hot chocolate of the year would be symbolic – a toast to winter, an acknowledgement of the summertime joy coming to an end. And so, it had to be treated as such. It had to be special.

No mere ten-minute trudge to the corner shop would suffice. No generic brand of cocoa would do.

This was a mission; a quest. I was Lara Croft and my tomb was the perfect mug of hot chocolate.

I took to the treasure-laden horizons of the internet. I scrolled through brands, I reviewed “fair-trade” badges. And I thought I found . . . the one. I stumbled, by chance, across the well-packaged – beautifully packaged – hot chocolate. I felt a hush come over my surroundings; I heard angels, their pure and heavenly voices singing. It was meant to be; I had found my treasure chest.

The hot chocolate arrived and, full of excitement and anticipation, I eagerly boiled my kettle. Stirred a dash of milk into the powder, so that when the water was added it would be frothy. Waited a few moments so as to allow the liquid gold to cool – to allow myself to savour the taste in it’s entirety and not burn off my tongue.

And it. Was. Nasty.

I mean, Jesus Christ, this hot chocolate wasΒ disgusting. It was like some kind of cosmic joke; some prick had gone “oooh, how can I ruin a national treasure today?”. What kind of hot chocolate isΒ bitter? Absolutely horrifying.

So there, story done, my first hot chocolate of the season fucking sucked. The end.

Until I realised that it really didn’t matter because it didn’t have marshmallows in it and, therefore, was not a real hot chocolate and I had another shot. So I did what any good blogger would do and I made a fucking amazing hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallows and good ol’ Cadbury’s hot chocolate powder.

And it was awesome.

So, from the top, here’s:

How To Make A Kick-Ass Mug Of Hot Chocolate

  1. Get Cadburys. Duh. Don’t try to be fancy.
  2. Two or three teaspoons of hot chocolate powder.
  3. A splash of milk. Mix the powder and milk together until it forms a thick paste-ish consistency. This gives you bubbles and froth.
  4. Pour hot water.
  5. Dollop whipped cream and mini-marshmallows on it.
  6. Enjoy, bitches.

I hope you wonderful human beings enjoyed this post! I won’t lie to you, is anyone else excited at the prospect of Christmas baking? I’m going to attempt a gingerbread house this year – and, yes, I’m aware it’ll likely be a disaster, but won’t it be fun? Do you guys like hot chocolate; do you decorate yours? Let me know your thoughts down below! And, for the love of god, please tell me you aren’t going to stray from the path of the tried-and-tested Cadbury’s. You don’t need to go through my struggle.


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84 thoughts on “Hot Chocolate: An Epic Tale”

  1. Sort of got this flashback to when I went out for a drink one night and when I woke up somewhere some had left a fudge brownie in my pants.
    So naturally I had to go straight back to the pub for a drink to see if I could find the bastard.

  2. “some prick had gone β€œoooh, how can I ruin a national treasure today?” Mia I am DYING hahahaahahahaha oh my god. Totally agree tho, Cadbury’s hot chocolate is the one!! Nothing lives up to it I swear. You’ve made me crave one now!! xx

  3. hahahh this is hilarious, you cant go wrong with cadburys and what sort of person comitts a crime like not putting marshmallows on! Loved this post made me giggle, thanks for sharing this super sassy post! πŸ™‚

  4. This was most definitely an epic tale! πŸ˜‚ I thought I was reading a book (judging alone by this post about hot chocolate I would read a fictional story if you wrote it! πŸ™Œ). Your hot chocolate looks delicious! I always have Cadburys but as far as I go with decorations is chocolate powder on top πŸ™ˆπŸ˜‚ but if I go to Costa/Starbucks I will always get marshmallows. the mini marshmallows I have got in the past never hit the mark when I make a cup myself so I leave them out πŸ˜‚ great post as always! πŸ’—

    1. All it was missing was the dragonsπŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰ why thank you! I used to write fiction loads, I miss that kind of prose so sometimes my posts may dip into storytelling territory…🀘 thank you lovely -it was SO YUMMY! And I can relate…maybe you need chocolate chips instead of marshmallows πŸ˜‚πŸ’•

  5. All other brands of hot chocolate are inferior to Cadbury’s. I can’t understand when people put water in hot chocolate, it’s just so gross for me!! It’s really like too watery and ew, but then again I like my hot chocolate sickly as hell. I make it with all milk and sometimes even pour in double cream on top of the masses of whipped cream on top. It’s like heaven but I can only take like two sips before I throw up

    1. It’s a lesson we all have to learn at one point; cadburys is the ultimate hot chocolate brand. And ugh you’d love the hot chocolate in Lisbon; they’re literally as thick as melted chocolate. Delicious, but I can only drink a few sips.

    2. Oh my God, I am so sorry for your horrible hot cocoa journey BUT that was flipping hysterical to read. Also girl your pictures! Seriously drooling over them. That cup of cocoa looked sooo yummy! And pretty! And delicious! And mouth is watering right now!
      My favorite hot cocoa to buy at the grocery is Land O Lakes (you can only buy it in packets) It is sooo yummy! And for fancy schmancy I love William and Sonoma. They have different flavors that are incredible! <3

      1. Haha why thank you very much! I’m so glad you enjoyed it; I recently tried to tackle a gingerbread house and failed so hopefully you’ll enjoy that post too when I get ’round to posting it πŸ˜€ And oooooh I shall have to see if that’s available over here <3

        1. Girl you are brave! I think the last time I did a ginger bread house I was ten and the whole thing ended up covered in frosting…I mean snow…. lol. Either way with your amazing photography skills I am sure it will look gorgeous! πŸ™‚ <3

      2. That’s the spirit girl. If you don’t get it right, and boy you cannot mess with a hot chocolate lover, do it again and this time with dollops of whipped cream and the goodies. Delicious, I can taste its creamy wonders. xx

          1. Haha! Reminds me of all the times I thought I would try out a new brand of coffee only to have my entire morning/day absolutely ruined by something that turned out to be disgusting. Sometimes monotony is a very, very good thing.

          2. That story…brought me to tears. How can someone have the nerve to sell bad hot chocolate (I’m dead serious about that part-thats an insult to chocolate). Definitely going to need to try this recipe. =)

          3. I love Cadbury’s chocolate, but I never knew they had a hot chocolate mix. I’ve been living under a rock with all the off brand stuff and specialty hot chocolates. I’m missing out. Your mug looks so yummy! I’ll have to look for this!

                  1. OMG I laughed SO much reading that post!! I’m a huge fan of hot chocolate as well!!
                    But I also raised my eyebrows: WATER in hot chocolate??? really??? That is heresy in my world :p
                    This is how we do it in Belgium: warm milk + baking chocolate (yes, the one you use to make a chocolate cake, the solid thing) that you melt into the hot milk.
                    If you want it thicker, then add some cream. After having that kind of hot chocolate, so thick, you won’t be hungry for hours :p
                    That’s it! You can add sugar or honey if you want it a bit sweeter, but God, Oh God, no whipped cream or marshmallows :p
                    BTW “real” chocolate is bitter, it’s normal :p
                    If you really want to go for powder chocolate, get Van Houten (yup you guessed it, it’s bitter!!) then add sugar or honey to make it sweeter. Van Houten is the best. I use it to make chocolate truffles.
                    Loving the Christmas Spirit!!!
                    I hope you don’t think I’m a snob :p I love your blog.

                    1. Oh my goodness – I think you do it the way they do it in Lisbon! (So probably the right way but us brits are used to our watery hot chocolate) I absolutely LOVE your style of hot chocolate; it’s so thick and delicious, it’s basically like actual melted chocolate.

                      I definitely don’t think you’re a snob; I only got to taste that absolute heaven earlier this year when I was in Lisbon and our watery hot chocolate pales in comparison! Thank you so much lovely πŸ˜€ xx

                      1. Yup, that’s right, you drink melted chocolate!! Try it and you will love it – and then you can impress your friends as well :p
                        Thank YOU for this post!

                    2. I absolutely loved this post. Was such a laugh to read. And I know exactly what you mean! I hate those super fancy expensive hot chocolates, they just taste too bitter, not how a hot chocolate is meant to be. Cadburys all the way, never change. And always remember the marshmallows x

                    3. This post had me laughing and feeling so bad for you at the same time! Thank you for the kick ass recipe, I will give it a try ASAP especially because I’ve never mixed the milk in there to get the froth and bubbles – great advice. And your mug looks absolutely delicious!

                    4. I’ve not yet had my first hot chocolate of the season, but I can strongly recommend good old Mexican hot chocolate. I’ve never seen Cadbury hot chocolate mix so I’m convinced they don’t have it where I am but boy that’s sounds good!

                    5. LOL!! Oh no, that’s horrorible that you ordered it online and waited for it to arrive just to have a shit cup of hot chocolate but the Cadbury one you photographed is so freaking cute!!! I hope your gingerbread house goes well, I’ve never made one before. It does seem messy but I bet yours will turn out amazing!

                    6. That hot chocolate looks so cute. I like the pink marshmallows added on. I’ve actually never tried whipped cream in my hot chocolate before. I do like marshmallows in it. My first hot chocolate this year I must have made too hot though because the marshmallows disappeared as soon as I added the hot water.

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