How Not To Make A Kick-Ass Gingerbread House

Dear Dippy-Dotty-Girl . . . while I love you and your blog, I also hate you. This failure . . . this failure is on your hands.

Hello, my wonderful internet community, how are you this fine day? I would like to elicit some sympathy here. Allow me to set the scene:

You are a weird, slightly shorter than expected, human being by the name of Mia. Basking in the glow of a hot chocolate post you thought was trash actually being very well-recieved, and a millionth reread of the brilliance that is Throne Of Glass, you are comfortably living your life. Until, that is, you see a notification from one of your favourite bloggers. Your interest is piqued; you’re excited for the treat you know you’re about to experience.

What wonders is Arundhati about to share? Is there a new squirrel? (The bastards are entertaining.) Maybe a beautiful location? Or a funny story?

You eagerly open the blog post and, no, you are not greeted by any of your expected wonders. You are effectively sucker-punched in the face by all of your mistakes and your flaws. Why? Well, my friends, because the first thing you see – the first thing you greedily feast your eyes on while simultaneously trying to force yourself to look away – is this:

(I know; I may have held your attention for a few moments, but you are now consumed by the desire for that delicious cheesecake and you require a blog post link. Fine. Post linked here. Go and read, it’s brilliant – and I resent it all the more for it. Just make sure you come back afterwards.)

I know what you’re thinking – “Mia, that cheesecake looks delicious; what’s the issue?”. Well, the issue is that I am a terrible cook. Like, truly bad. My parents had a ban on me using the kitchen for a few years.

I used to love baking – and I was actually pretty good at it – until one day . . . nothing worked. I’m not even joking here; admittedly, the intro may have been humourous, but I am deadly serious right now. My family all used to beg me to bake and then one day I just . . . couldn’t. Everything I made came out terribly.

Recently, however, I have been trying to get more into it. I’ve been branching out, slowly but surely, and dipping my toes back in. And then I saw that post.

Somehow, that cheesecake craving managed to get in my head. It managed to insidiously whisper false promises to me. Until, finally, I thought “hey, I feel like baking”.

Long story short: I tried to make a gingerbread house.

Spoiler alert: I did not succeed.

What You Need

  • I bought two boxes of Sainsbury’s gingerbread mix (Β£3 each, which is pretty great!)
  • Unsalted Butter
  • Golden Syrup
  • Decorations

Β What, However, You DON’T Need To Do

  1. Well, first of all . . . you don’t need to go off-script and decide “well, the house on the front looks shit, so I’m making my own design”. I’d actually advise against doing that. Naturally . . . that is what I did.

    Where on the box is there a weirdly deformed house shape, Mia? WHERE?

  2. And then I’d advise not getting cocky when the gingerbread tastes delicious and you’ve cut it all into shapes and it seems like things could go well . . . they won’t.
  3. There’s really no point in decorating . . . look at those gaps in the pieces; this entire structure is a house of cards just waiting to collapse. And I’m pretty sure the icing wasn’t designed to be strong enough to keep it all together – that original design was pretty simple. But, sure, whittle away your precious time before the grave with meaningless pursuits like sticking sweets to pieces of gingerbread.
  • I’d also not recommend doing the roof first; apparently all the pressure of fingers pressing sweets and icing onto the weakest part of the house isn’t great for keeping it intact. Who knew?

But, hey, if you follow what I did, you can have something more exciting than a gingerbread house . . . you can have a futuristic gingerbread house that has been decimated by natural disasters because Donald Trump is president and doesn’t believe in climate change and is likely going to kill the entire human race just that much quicker.

There’s your Christmas cheer. Bah fucking humbug.

Well . . . I mean, that’s all I really have to say on this subject. I tried to bake; technically, I got a little closer to my goal than usual because the actual gingerbread came out well, it’s just the decorating that didn’t. But then again, I don’t like bloody gingerbread and I only made a gingerbread house for the decorations. So I still didn’t achieve all that much. Yay.

What do you guys you think? Have you ever attempted gingerbread houses before? Shall we just rename this recipe “Christmassy Gingerbread Bark”? Or consider it a political statement through the medium of artwork? Let me know your thoughts down below!


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65 thoughts on “How Not To Make A Kick-Ass Gingerbread House”

  1. I have this tradition with my family where we all decorate a ginger bread house on Christmas Eve. You should have seen mine last year! It was falling apart in every way possibleπŸ˜‚
    Anyway, I really enjoyed this post.
    Fiona x

      1. Hope you are ok anyway Mia. Can’t catch me, I’m the gingerbread man.
        Damn I been saying that to me Ma since I was 2… and never stopped πŸ˜„πŸ˜„

    1. Aww thank you so much lovely. I’m glad you can find humour in my pain πŸ˜‰ and you know what, the baking part is actually rather easy, so I recommend you give it a go….just maybe with stronger icing xD xx

  2. Ahahaha, now Mia my love, I did not put up a post on a gingerbread house for a reason. I wonder if my roof would even go up in place. At least yours looks like a gingerbread house on ten shots of tequila. Now go bake that cheesecake (when you get back home) and tell me how bloody easy it was! Maybe I shall take up the challenge of this gingerbread house meanwhile this month (Maybe, if I am feeling Adventurous enough).
    And really now I have to stop waffling about squirrels, right? I hope you get to meet the tubby little fellows in Central Park. xx

    1. I’m sure if you tried it it would be wonderful! (Damn you ;-;) And I may actually attempt that cheesecake…or more accurately print the recipe, hand it to my dad and morally support him as HE tried it πŸ˜‰ No, I love the stories of squirrels – even in canada, they’re far bigger than they are at home, so I am excited to see the ones in central park xx

      1. You overestimate me. I have endless bad experiments in the kitchen especially when I attempt baking healthy versions of cakes and bakes. Adi’s face when he bites into those samples is enough to tell the tale. Maybe I should do a story with just his facial expressions.
        If your dad is up for the job, let him be the master baker. You can of course be the master taster. We all have to play our parts, eh?
        The Central Park squirrels are bloody acrobats! Pocket one or two. xx

  3. LOL oh my gosh, I wonder why the baking talent left you!!! This post was so funny, Mia. I don’t like gingerbread either and I wanted to build a house but I know I’ll have the same if not worse fate than you πŸ˜‚

    1. I honest to god have no idea…but im willing to blame our oven and just say it doesn’t work well πŸ˜‰ And thank you! I mean, if it goes well – you beat christmas. and if it goes badly….your boyfriend did it xx

  4. This is me!! I literally suck at all things baking and cooking and ESPECIALLY gingerbread house decorating… the package makes it seem so easy!! Great read made me laugh girl! XO,MK

  5. Dead I am so dead bwahahaha! I appreciated this far more then I should! And girllllll I can totally elate to the shorter then average human being. The struggle is REAL! Thank High Heel Goddess above for the stiletto stilts!
    Also Hun this is WAY better then anything I would have come up with! That last picture would have been mine! <3

    1. See, I can make the mistakes so nobody else has to πŸ˜‰ And ohmygoodness YES. I do not know what I would do without my heels . . . be out of frame for every photo ever, maybe? Thank you lovely – I’m sure you could come up with something awesome though <3

      1. Bwahahaha yes yes you can! Thanks for taking one for the team!;p right? They are life savers! Bwahahah sooo true! I need a step stool in pictures. Awe you are so sweet. I’ll take it lolπŸ˜πŸ’—

  6. Oh gosh, see here in the U.S. they have Gingerbread kits with gingerbread already in them. That way I don’t fail on baking it myself 🀣 hilarious post. Maybe next time it’ll go better?? Hahahah

    1. I THOUGHT THATS HOW IT WORKED OVER HERE TOO😭😭😭😭😭 I wasn’t planning on baking or anything but I opened the box and immediately my heat sank…. and hopefully πŸ˜­πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­

  7. HAHAHA why is this me? For some reason, anything that I make in the kitchen ends up tasting horrible!! I’m definitely not a cook. I can cook enough to survive on my own but I can’t possibly cook for my whole family without resulting in food poisoning or something XD I love this post, super enjoyable!
    Ljoy x

    1. πŸ˜­πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­ oh goodness I relate to that so much. It’s like I already know it’s gonna turn out bad so I can resign myself to it, but other people’s digestive systems aren’t used to my undercooked nasty food😭😭😭 and thanks lovely xx

      1. HAHAHA yes! That’s the way to put it! What’s worse is that Mum gets mad at me when I don’t cook for her but honestly, I’m doing her a favour! You’re welcome x

  8. We did this last year, aha! We tried and failed… badly. At least yours stood up for a while, the three of us actually stood holding the sides together watching xmas movies as though it would magically set at some point, safe to say it didn’t, aha! Thanks for sharing! xx

    1. πŸ˜­πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­oh my god that sounds absolutely hilarious. I will admit I did try holding it together for a few minutes but I don’t have the patience πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­cx

  9. Honestly not-so-perfect ginger bread houses are the best ones, like who wants to feel bad when demolishing a perfect house??? I purposely try and make my look kick ass and un-traditional as possible, and yours is definitely kick ass mia xx

  10. Omg your post made me laugh so much πŸ˜‚ I’ve never baked a gingerbread house of even made one – it wasn’t part of our traditions. Thought about trying one this year. Your epic fail made me realize that could potentially happen to mine because I’d probably try to do my own thing with it, too πŸ˜‚

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