My friends tend to fall into one of two camps: the “your standards are too high and you’re too fussy!” camp, or the “wow, you have great taste in guys, boys treat you really well, you’re so lucky!” camp. Both of which, in my opinion, are completely wrong.
Hi, you conservative members of the Mormon church! Today I’m here to talk to you about abstinence.
I can actually imagine the look on some of your faces. I’m kidding; go forth and multiply. (Safely. Use protection, kids, I’m not interested in reading a bunch of pregnancy and new-motherhood blogs. Plus, you know, STDs.)
Over the past few days, I’ve read a couple of posts that have really stuck with me, but the one that inspired me to write this post was Fiona’s Falling For Fuckboys. First of all, I love Fiona. I think she’s an amazing blogger – an amazing person – and I have a lot of admiration and respect for her. This means that reading this post made me a little angry. Fiona should not be touched by fuckboys.
It’s kind of like Jay Z cheating on Beyonce; if guys can’t appreciate the finer things in life, what hope is there for them? It’s not even about the rest of us. I’ve seen all the “if Beyonce gets cheated on, what hope do I have?” tweets. No. It’s not about us, it’s about them. If you married Beyonce – smart, beautiful, talented, sexy as hell, visibly all about you, the mother to your damn children – and you somehow can’t recognise the value of said woman and cheat . . . I feel like that says more about men than women.
Must we cast the menfolk out of society and reproduce amongst ourselves? Shall we enslave them and use them merely as jar openers and sexual objects?
I think we should just be more selective in which guys we date. There are plenty of great ones out there, it’s just takes a bit more time to weed them out.
And, with that, we get to the point of today’s post. Today, I’m going to be sharing with you 3 New Rules for avoiding fuck boys. (Yes, I’m totally stealing Dua Lipa’s song because I feel like I am that friend constantly telling her friends “don’t pick up the phone, don’t let him in, don’t be his friend” . . . and that’s what I’m going to be doing today. Actually, that song would be a pretty good background for this post. Why don’t you give it a listen while you read?)
Now, on one hand, I’m pretty lucky – I’ve never been heartbroken or seriously involved with someone then screwed over when they turned out to be a fuckboy. The guys I’ve dated or spoken to have treated me well and, all my jokes aside, I have a pretty positive outlook on men.
That said, my luck isn’t luck. I’m not skipping around having Princes falling out of the sky. So what is it? My rules. And what are those? Let me share.
Self-respect is the first and most important point because once you truly respect yourself and your time and your worth . . . these fuck boy antics are going to be a massive turn-off. Hot and cold shit? No thanks. Scared of intimacy and emotional connection? Not wasting my time on that.
I’m going to be honest, I feel like a lot of dating comes from ego. And because of this, people take things personally. A guy not willing to commit becomes a guy not willing to commit to you, so something is wrong with you. Or a guy not willing to commit becomes a challenge; something to validate you. If you can catch the guy who nobody else can, surely you’re a special snowflake! A guy paying you attention means you’re worthy of attention and, even if he is blowing hot and cold, that attention makes you feel better than nothing.
This is totally natural, especially as we tend to date when we’re younger and less secure in ourselves. But here’s the thing: none of those things are building a healthy relationship, none of these things are going to make you feel better about yourself and none of these things are going to make guys respect you. Once you have your self-respect game strong and you realise you don’t need any of that validation, you’re going to stop letting bad behaviour slide and the type of guy you attract and entertain is going to improve.
2. Don’t Play Hard To Get – Be Hard To Get
It’s pretty well known that most guys love the chase, so it’s not a surprise that a lot of girls play hard to get to keep his interest. Yeah . . . don’t do that. Why not? Because you should actually be hard to get.
I’m not talking be excessively hard to get and ignore a lovely guy that’s ripped his heart out for you, or to a point where you’re acting it when you don’t want to, but I mean that you should know that you’re worth a lot. You’re worth everything. And a couple of nice words from a guy and a cute smile is not enough. You should be so hard to get (in the sense that a guy needs to actually be a decent human being and prove that to you) that by the time you’re ready to take a chance on said human being, you don’t need to play at being hard to get.
3. Pay attention to how he talks about women – whether that’s exes, random women on the street, or with his friends.
Oh. My. God. This is the biggest damn red flag that everyone and their mother seems to ignore.
The way men talk about women shows whether, at a fundamental level, they respect them.
Now, a lot of men don’t have antiquidated views on women and do respect them . . . but a lot don’t. And, worse, a lot don’t realise that they don’t respect women.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying that if a guy is like “oh, I don’t want to date someone who’s slept with the whole squad” you have to break out the feminism banner . . . personal choice and preference is totally fine. (And if a guy has gone through any of my friends, Lord knows I reserve the right to rebuke him.) But what I am saying is that there’s a difference between personal choice and disrespect.
You saying you don’t want to date a girl because she’s slept with x guys? You do you, personal choice. You saying a girl is trash, nobody will ever date her and she’s only good for sex because she’s slept with x guys? Yeah, that’s an issue.
The thing about having respect for women is that if he doesn’t . . . it’s a ticking time bomb. You might pass all his tests now, but what happens when the infatuation wears off and you’re in day to day life? When suddenly all you do is “nag”? When maybe you put on a couple of pounds, or get a haircut that he doesn’t like? When you’re arguing and he doesn’t actually consider your opinion to be valid? When maybe you realise “hey, I like partying with my friends – I want to go out a bit more”?
I don’t know about you guys, but I have known and been friends with people I don’t respect. For example, a girl I used to be best friends with for almost a decade started exclusively going for guys with girlfriends and generally just spiralling into a really selfish person. I had zero respect for her, but . . . we’d still been friends for years. She’d been at my parents wedding! I couldn’t just cut her off . . . and we still had fun when I saw her once every few weeks or so. So what did this mean?
Well, without the respect, her opinion became invalid, I didn’t really care about much about anything she had to say and I just kind of . . . didn’t have any regard for her. If we’d have ever had an argument, I wouldn’t have given a shit about her feelings, or any of the points she’d raise and I wouldn’t have cared if she never spoke to me again.
This doesn’t even sound good for a friend relationship – imagine your boyfriend having this kind of attitude towards you.
So pay attention to how he speaks about women. Pay attention to how he speaks about them to his friends (because boys can fake being sweet til the cows come home, but how he talks to his friends is the real test). Pay attention to how he talks about his exes – the girls who can’t do anything for him anymore. Pay attention to how he talks about the girls who are interested in him, the girls he meets in clubs, his mother . . . all of it.
Okay, my gorgeous humans, those are my three new rules that you should be adding to your dating repertoire. Do you guys have any dating rules that you swear by? Are you a solid “no double texting” person? Do you agree with my rules? And oh my fucking God I saw Hamilton last night. I can now die a happy and fulfilled human (although, God, can you not please because I haven’t seen Shinedown or Pearl Jam yet, so I still have a way to go. I know, I know – I got your hopes up.) Let me know your thoughts down below!